This is not an easy confession to make in here with you, Reader… It’s a dirty little secret I’m about to divulge for all to know… it’s time to come clean… I’m having an illicit affair…
What I get from this relationship isn’t easy to describe without feeling a deep, intense longing well up inside of me, sending vibrations up and down my spine… The very thought of this attraction, my obsession… Dealing with this crazy desire is one of the first things I think of when I wake, my wanting, my needing, everyday now it possesses my thoughts… It’s a deeply emotional and psychological relationship… It’s a physical attraction to shape and colour, the arousal of my senses, the grinding, the insertion and the hot, hot dripping… It awakens me from inside-out, and it can last sometimes for hours, and if I have multiple… well, let’s just say I’m often kept up all night long…
Mmmmm…oohhh… just writing about it now reminds me of the gritty and yet romantic appeal we share like a black and white movie, we rendezvous in secret, a little café, somewhere… Black, white, long, short, frothy, creamy, sweet or not, oh my dear Reader – I am in drop-dead in love with COFFEE and I have become unashamedly it’s mistress!
I have been beckoned, called, and become a slave to the taste and sensation of coffee. Even my attraction to colours is based on coffee – espresso black, latte beige, cappuccino white and mocha brown.
What wine appreciation does for many, coffee does entirely for me. From berry to bean and from roasting to brewing – I am fascinated by the entire process, the agriculture, the science, the technique and indeed even the art form created by a dedicated barista. I am learning to understand the acidity, body and even bouquet of different roasts and blends. It’s complicated. However, I am an eager and willing student, keen to learn all there is to know about coffee.
Worst of all, I’m a purist, a coffee-snob if you will. For me it has to be the bean, the whole bean and nothing but the bean – preferably ground just before drinking. No instant delight for me – no sir! I consider this as total blasphemy. Occasionally I will allow a little sophisticated syrup or good chocolate to become infused with my precious precious café, the perfectly caffeinated ménage a trois… but never ever sugar. That would be like having an affair behind my palate’s back. It is fine by me to tame the caffeine with milk, but it depends on my mood. As far as decaf goes, it’s strictly taboo.
My entire day can revolve and evolve around the right coffee… and my entire state of mind be altered by a perfectly timed consumption of dark, liquid, satin, which then in turn can impact upon my every interaction for that day. Coffee and I are a perfect synergy of positive action and production. I am easily led into temptation when it comes to imbibing coffee after hours. Some refuse it after dark, fearing the sleep deprivation that ensues. I, however, am drawn submissively into having my sleep corrupted by the warm and aromatic charms of coffee.
Thank you for letting me share… So now you know… don’t judge me, just love me…
My Top 10 Self-Indulging Freebies:
(in no particular order… let’s face it, most of us are over the whole countdown thing)
Being the classic only-child that I am, it’s rare that I share… So consider this blog-entry a real gift…
- When driving somewhere, by yourself, to a place that you don’t need the directions for, pop your Nav Man or Tom Tom voice selector to male Italian. It’s like having a sexy European hunk sitting in the passenger-seat next you for company on the journey.
- In spite of my recommendations, Facebook has yet to install a “poke yourself” button. In lieu of this, I like to send myself e-cards. I write beautifully verbacious messages and select cards that are visually delightful… unlike some of the ordinary choices others have been known to send me.
- Did you know you can SMS yourself..? True. I love sending myself flirty texts.
- Vote for yourself… Whaa? I hear you exclaim. Oh come on! We all have our little secrets – and it’s no secret that we all like to enter some kind of internet competition from time to time that requires participants to vote on the best entry. Well until the developers come up with a way of preventing self-voting, I say go for it. It’s less obvious than “liking” your own post on Facebook, which as we all know is for wankers. Likewise for Re-Tweeting your own Tweets on Twitter, uncool and obnoxious.
- This next one is an oldie, but a goodie… Shout out your own name while having sex. If you haven’t heard it before, sadly I can’t claim to have come up with it (pardon the pun). This is particularly good if you’re not religious and not inclined to scream out “oh god oh god oh god”. The best part is that this also works well for masturbation.
- This next one appeals to the absent-minded side of me. When drinking alone (yes I do condone this) use two glasses. Not only will you feel less like you’re alone, when you put a glass down somewhere, you’ll have another one you can pick up. Also, when the bottle empties, it’s easier to explain with two glasses.
- We all have words we’ve made up, right? For instance, I invented the word “eleventy-eight” (or at least I thought I had). It’s a wonderful number that I can apply to anything and everything. Take your special words and add them to your computer ‘Dictionary’ – you’ll never be spell-checked on them again.
- This one isn’t for everyone, but it fits the bill: If you’re feeling particularly passionate about a particular Party/Leader this election, then vote for them multiple times. How? Oh it’s easy. Just drive from Poll Booth to Poll Booth, they only mark your name off in lead pencil on paper – it’s not electronically cross-checked – so go crazy.
- Write your own eulogy and obituary entry, and put together your own slide show – now. Let’s face it, we’ve all been to a memorial service that was a bit tacky or underdone. If you do it yourself now the job will get done properly and to your liking, plus it’s a terrific way of having the last word, so to speak.
- Online shopping. “Not free” you reckon? It is if you don’t pay at the checkout. OK, so you don’t get the goods, but you DO get the therapeutic value of having shopped to your heart’s content, and, because your Shopping Cart is an imaginary one, you’re not forcing some poor shop assistant into running around putting all your goods back on the shelf.
So there you have it. Of course, I don’t claim to have all the answers, so I’d love to hear from you too. What are your favourite ways of treating yourself for free?
For those of you who think Valentine’s Day is just a commercial-conspiracy-con, here are some fun facts…
- Just like Christmas, Easter and Halloween, V-Day does NOT have it’s origins in retail.
- Just like Christmas, Easter and Halloween, participation in V-Day on the 14th of February, is entirely optional.
- It has been calculated that V-Day comes second only to Christmas in relation to the volume of greeting cards sent around the world each year.
I love, nay, j’adore Valentine’s Day.
I love everything it represents including it’s richly commercialised side.
Quite frankly nothing matches the excitement of receiving one dozen fresh, red roses, boxed & ribboned from a secret admirer. I once received a Valentine’s Day Gorilla-gram which is a memory I shall carry with me always. Any excuse for romance is a wonderful idea. I love seeing all the merchandise that comes out both in shops and online, as there are always some wonderful examples of creativity and imaginative design in amongst the clichéd and hackneyed run-of-the-mill products.
For instance, Seduberries. These are real, edible strawberries from a little farm down in Tassie that are grown inside heart-shaped moulds – hence producing the world’s first heart-shaped strawberry.
What about the giant huggable-sized inflatable red heart?
Maybe one of “Cupid’s Picks” from Tiffany & Co.’s Hearts of Tiffany range?
Cupcakes with heart decorations are all the rage this year too.
Or my personal favourite (nudge-nudge, hint-hint, CLANG!-CLANG!) the 2010 Chanel pink quilted Valentines charms pouch with matching wallet & matching Valentines ‘Coco’ brooch set. How much you ask? Who cares! (a tad over $3,800USD)
Frankly, I don’t like my chances… and here’s a few more facts:
I live in a tropical climate that is NOT conducive to the lifespan of cut-flowers or chocolates – or anything else that melts easily for that matter. It’s not even good for those fab little decorative vinyl wall stickers that are currently being advertised with “love & romance” themes. They peel off in the humidity as quickly as you apply them.
My husband, who’s secondary trade is as a manufacturing jeweller, can’t bring himself to buying anything he could craft himself. However, just like the mechanic who’s car is always in the shop and the plumber who’s toilet doesn’t work, his trade remains un-used on the home front.
Currently I’m experiencing an upward trend on my “Oh Size Doesn’t Matter” graph, so getting me to commit (or admit) to what size I am in lingerie right now just isn’t going to happen. I’m not a contender for the Biggest Loser just yet, it’s just part of my natural yo-yo curve in relation to diet & exercise, my nutritional yin & yang, my fitness to and ‘fro, my… oh you get the idea! So sexy undergarments are off the list.
Naturally, our printer is also currently out of black and red ink, hence putting a stop on all home-made cards. (Which I would normally make up myself and hide in everyone’s lunch boxes and post to myself with amorous messages from imaginary lovers).
And finally, this year Valentine’s Day falls on a Sunday and we’ve already pre-arranged to have a house full of relatives staying with us which doesn’t lend itself too well to boudoir gymnastics, horizontal flamencos and swinging naked from the chandelier. Having visitors even puts the kibosh on my usual fit of baking heart-shaped treats! It also means I can’t even finally use the pedicure Gift Voucher I still have from Christmas, and seeing as the kids aren’t at school there won’t be any art & craft hearts coming home either…
So think of me, won’t you, come Sunday afternoon when you and everyone else is either staring into each others eyes, sharing a heart-shaped box of chocolates, getting ready for a romantic dinner for two, wondering who the flowers are from or counting up the number of cards they received. I’ll be toasting myself with a bottle of V-Day bubbly that my husband will give me at the last minute whilst shoo-ing our visitors off into the sunset… romantic huh? It’s a conspiracy alright…